Affected in seconds.

It has been raining a lot lately. I curled up under the blanket right after work last night and by 8, the light was off. I thought of work and curled up even more. My stomach was grumbling but I kept myself in that position.

A guy I have been talking to from Okcupid texted me. We chatted for 45 minutes and then I cried, stopped, cried and stopped again, my perpetual state for last night. I found him in a dating app last week. Little did I know that I would be so affected by him in seconds.

Nowadays, I do a lot of self-reflection.  He was good at criticising me whenever I opened up and he was never romantic in his words. It was like a slap on my face that I was never ready for, and I cry every single time it happened. I guess I needed that from a complete stranger as I am afraid I have become too egotistical.

I am meeting him tomorrow but our conversation did not end well. It was 10 p.m and I cried myself to sleep, still curled up under the blanket.

To forgetting my family (Part 1)

I remember what family feels like, fleetingly and then I forget again.

My family is only 160 miles away, yet I never yearn to see them. I can only remember the 7 year old me trying to bye my mom away on the first day of school, while other students were reluctant to let their moms go. I was happy I could temporarily leave home for National Service. And I was absolutely thrilled to leave home forever when I enrolled to college. And now I am here, alone at my work desk, trying to remember and to forget.

I am certain that I don't hate my family, maybe one of them, but that's an entirely different story. Hence, I chuckle whenever people say I am the baby of the family just because I am the youngest. The irony is rich in that one.

I talk to my parents at least once a month, by text, to inform them that I send some money. If there was a birthday, then maybe twice, by text. I do not call them. I don't call people in general, and my parents are people, so by that logic, it's only relevant. I also can go months and months not talking to my siblings. They don't really add values in my life, it seems.

I try to think of the reasons why and I've got three clues:

1) I have a fear of attachment.
2) I am a self-centered bitch.
3) They are the self-centered bitches.

I own my issues, though. I am mostly a humanist, so I believe that people, first and foremost, should point their finger to themselves in everything they do. Exploring self, understanding and misunderstanding self in a continuous manner, and then decide if you want to change. If you do not or if you do, that's entirely up to you. Sounds exhausting but blaming other people isn't going to bring me anywhere.

Years of contemplation later, I come to a conclusion that I am a self-centered bitch who would rather live with familial amnesia.

Lips to lips

My ex recently got married. I found out about this three days ago. Just two months earlier, he kissed me outside TGIF at The Curve. It was a light peck on the lips. If I close my eyes now, I can still feel how time stopped at that moment.

Occasionally, I sit down and think of ways to move on. I'm hopeful because every single thing in this world is fleeting.

The day before graduation

Graduation day was not particularly memorable for me but the day before that was.  While other people were probably busy planning what to wear for d-day, my parents and I were on the way to my late grandma’s house, which is a 20 minute drive to the graduation venue.

I have always loved road trips but this one was different. This is the kind of road trip where I cried silently at the backseat, thinking about sacrifice and love. It was a slow and relaxing drive. My dad was driving my brother in law’s second generation Proton Saga and the car is not really suitable for a long journey, so he could only drove 70 km/h.

We talked about life most of the time, and food occasionally. Dad talked about his business, his friends, his business partners, his late father, his life in army and his future plans. With Dad, it is always about opening your own business. He worked in government for a few years, 15 years as a contractor but eventually he came back as a farmer. He loves to plant and he sells only the best fruit to his customers. When he is not farming, he cooks. Dad has cooked for a thousand people and he has been cooking for me since I was 5. When he is not farming and cooking, he manages a friend’s fish farm in the middle of the sea. I, on the other hand listened and occasionally asked questions. I took his advices, his experiences, his pain and his happiness and started crafting my future.

But everything he does, he does it for his family. For a traditionalist like Dad, when you get married and have children, carrying responsibilities over your own blood gives you a distinct purpose in life. My parents’ love knows no bound, it is moving, happy, sad, heartbreaking and complicated. Love, these past few days, is when your dad calls a few of his friends for extra money to send his daughter to graduate. Love is when you ask your mom not to buy any graduation bouquets because they are costly. Love is when your dad keeps looking at your certificate with shining eyes.

And that is only the beginning of more love and pain.

After you kids came along, your mom, she said something to me I never quite understood. She said, "Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids." I think now I understand what she meant. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future.

Joseph Cooper, Interstellar (2014) 

Ending

"Everything's going to change now, isn't it?" - Hermione Granger

I decided to write again. I was reading a lecturer's blog and at some point, it made me cry. Adult life is such a scary thing, isn't it?

I'm at my most comfortable position to write, on the bed while listening to Yiruma on repeat. Ceiling fan on 5, half naked with no underpants. Dissertation at 6000 words and yet, here I am worrying for other things. Boyfriend texted in the morning saying that his grandfather has died and all I could offer was condolences. Watched Harry Potter again and cried for someone's death. I can't really remember whose. Queued up for more than half an hour to get the book vouchers. Been eating salad and instant noodle for the past few days. Balance, am I right?

A few more weeks, then all of these will be gone. Unspoken things will be left behind, then I will spend countless hours looking for a job. I'm not really scared about work. Work is easy if you have passion, patience and perseverance. Of course, if you aren't privileged enough, you will have it rough but you persevere because fucking capitalism.  Life could have been easier if work is the only normal thing people should do.

I'm scared about relationships. I'm in a relationship but I don't see myself beyond that. How could I break it to people that I don't want to ever get married? I could never. After all, I'm the obedient type and obedience eats me but people are happy. Isn't that what this era is all about? Making people happy, performing what people want and ignore yourself until it manifests into something all-consuming? I'm so looking forward to that.

For now, I still have time to enjoy.