Not the same

Bangkok 12th April. My first few days in Bangkok were eventful, heartbreaking and hectic. My Dad kept asking me for my travel photos but what he didn't know is that I've long taken off the tudung that has covered my head for the past 11 years or so.

There I was, walking to my hostel under the unforgiving Bangkok heat, tearing up looking at the Whatsapp pictures I'd just shared to my dad. A few pictures of me with some friends, my hair apparent to the world and his naked eyes. I arrived at my hostel, Dad sent a short 'enjoy your trip' message, and Mom messaged me two minutes later.

From 'don't you believe in God's rules anymore' to 'I worry that you'd go astray in that foreign land', I straightened things up to her, that I need time to think about myself and I've always thought about God's rules ever since I was a kid. My answers were enough for the conversation to end in a good term.

I'm known to be the diplomatic one in the family, the quiet one and I've never once raised my voice to my parents. But above all, I am the most curious child. I started early when it comes to questioning God, religion, and taboo issues. Mom, why did you say my Chinese friends will all go to Hell even though they are the nicest? I was 9. At 6, I started masturbated but porn or sex ed weren't available to me so I wondered how the heck did I know what to do. Never mind that. So, this religion haunted me since I was 6 because evidently masturbation is prohibited in Islam. Then, I proudly told my parents that I have many close, queer friends in my university at the age of 19. That conversation did not turn out well. At the same time, back in Johor, I went to the afternoon religious school for seven consecutive years. At the age of 13, I was a first class holder of Darjah Khas Agama Johor (Johor Islamic Special Grade). Pretty okay for someone who masturbates a lot, ay?

So, no. I don't treat this religion in a wishy-washy manner. I had a lot to ponder at different stages and ages of my life. I had a lot to read, learn, research and exchange dialogues. Emotional breakdown was a repeated affair and constant guilt to my parents (yes, not even God) is an ever present issue. 

Dad hasn't talked to me ever since I sent the pictures and I'm trying to stay positive that I haven't lost a friend in him. Mom has been so loving and understanding that I'm pretty sure she's going to Heaven if it does exist. While I'm guilty for my selfishness, I finally felt a massive burden lifted off my shoulder on that Thursday in Bangkok, letting my beloved, most important couple in the world know the becoming of me.