2017 was the year I am truly happy. I decided to take off my tudung on many occasions, a symbol that I have been dragging to wear since I hit puberty. Muslim women wear tudung for so many reasons, mine was to cover up the imperfection I deem not beautiful.
As stated in my Malaysian identification card, I am decidedly Muslim. The photo is of my head covered in a black tudung and underneath it says Islam. But a lot of things work in reverse, I found out one day as I learnt and unlearnt things about myself and my relation to the world. I finally have agency on myself to dictate what I should do and what am I. I am, in essence, active.
But a human is a complete opposite of a robot and I cannot run far from humane emotions. I have been raised with all the hard work one can possibly gather to be a practicing Muslim. My mom is a daughter of a Koran teacher and my dad comes from a respected, well-educated Muslim family. Wouldn’t they feel a teeny bit wasted, if not disappointed if I showed up in front of their house sans tudung on my head?
That is where living a double life comes in. I am a practicing Muslim when I visit my family and an agnostic when I return to my bachelorette life. Try a third life for a change where I dress up as a Muslim but never once stepped into the prayer room at my workplace. I went into my first job as a covered colleague and I have not had the courage to show up tudungless. That is the thing about tudung: taking it off is a dangerous sign of apostate which could invite a considerable amount of bad talks and putting it on is an angel-sent deed.
I have well gotten over the fact that I will not be able to live as a full-time agnostic in this round of life, without hiding from the people I love the most. I also learnt that life is forever in a state of fluctuation, reverse, contradiction, doing and undoing, learning and unlearning, happiness and unhappiness. Like taking the tudung off and putting it on again, life is unfinished for me and the thirst for purposes remains.
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