15 years of unforgettable love.

I turned 24 exactly ten days ago and I am nowhere near to leaving Malaysia (yes, this is a long-term goal).

I spent more than half of my life with my nanny, Kak Ita and another remaining portion adulting. Kak Ita was a loving, memorable woman who took care of me ever since I was born. I refused to sleep with my siblings and opted to sleep in my nanny's room instead for a good few years. 

There was no air-cond and the room was a typical nanny room: small and close to the kitchen and the washing machine. I would spend each night sleeping beside her and we would share her earphones, listening to old Malay songs on her Walkman. 

Kak Ita, through the eyes of a 3 year-old me who turned 6, 10, 12  and then 15, was perfect. She finally left my family to get married to a man from Negeri Sembilan and I cried in silence as we drove back from her wedding. 

Cameron Highland, 2005. We woke up super early, just the two of us and we decided not to take shower as the water was freezing cold. We walked to the morning market hand-in-hand and tried really hard not to drool at the colourful fruits as I was 11 and she was just a poor nanny. She nevertheless got both of us two packs of Nasi Lemak with Sambal Sotong and we had it right there and then. It was a family holiday but her presence is the most vivid thing that I can recollect until now.

If heaven does exist, then that is what heaven to me feels like: just me and Kak Ita, holding each other's hands, as she did once to save me from an accident that nearly killed me when I was too young to remember.

If you don't have to

If you don't have to jot down every single thing you ate and bought, then be grateful. If you still receive love and assistance from your family, then be grateful. If you don't have to worry if your family is doing okay and whether they are eating well or not, then be grateful. Be grateful, be humble, and keep being humble.

What I would do to be in that unthinkable state of gratitude. To find myself in the opposite position over and over again is nothing short of melancholy. So if I ever lose to this world, to you and to myself, I ask nothing but empathy in return.

Heart is a mysterious thing.

The day we were supposed to meet, he broke my heart saying that he was too busy. I took a hint and ended the conversation (or lack thereof) with a thanks. He didn't answer.

Two days later, he replied me and started to open up. I was angry and happy and now we are talking again. He said he doesn't talk about himself in general but he involuntarily does it, almost childlike. I smile every time it happens.

Once, he said 'Maybe I'm catching a break'.

Understanding him thus is a process I would cherish time and time again.

Affected in seconds.

It has been raining a lot lately. I curled up under the blanket right after work last night and by 8, the light was off. I thought of work and curled up even more. My stomach was grumbling but I kept myself in that position.

A guy I have been talking to from Okcupid texted me. We chatted for 45 minutes and then I cried, stopped, cried and stopped again, my perpetual state for last night. I found him in a dating app last week. Little did I know that I would be so affected by him in seconds.

Nowadays, I do a lot of self-reflection.  He was good at criticising me whenever I opened up and he was never romantic in his words. It was like a slap on my face that I was never ready for, and I cry every single time it happened. I guess I needed that from a complete stranger as I am afraid I have become too egotistical.

I am meeting him tomorrow but our conversation did not end well. It was 10 p.m and I cried myself to sleep, still curled up under the blanket.

To forgetting my family (Part 1)

I remember what family feels like, fleetingly and then I forget again.

My family is only 160 miles away, yet I never yearn to see them. I can only remember the 7 year old me trying to bye my mom away on the first day of school, while other students were reluctant to let their moms go. I was happy I could temporarily leave home for National Service. And I was absolutely thrilled to leave home forever when I enrolled to college. And now I am here, alone at my work desk, trying to remember and to forget.

I am certain that I don't hate my family, maybe one of them, but that's an entirely different story. Hence, I chuckle whenever people say I am the baby of the family just because I am the youngest. The irony is rich in that one.

I talk to my parents at least once a month, by text, to inform them that I send some money. If there was a birthday, then maybe twice, by text. I do not call them. I don't call people in general, and my parents are people, so by that logic, it's only relevant. I also can go months and months not talking to my siblings. They don't really add values in my life, it seems.

I try to think of the reasons why and I've got three clues:

1) I have a fear of attachment.
2) I am a self-centered bitch.
3) They are the self-centered bitches.

I own my issues, though. I am mostly a humanist, so I believe that people, first and foremost, should point their finger to themselves in everything they do. Exploring self, understanding and misunderstanding self in a continuous manner, and then decide if you want to change. If you do not or if you do, that's entirely up to you. Sounds exhausting but blaming other people isn't going to bring me anywhere.

Years of contemplation later, I come to a conclusion that I am a self-centered bitch who would rather live with familial amnesia.

Lips to lips

My ex recently got married. I found out about this three days ago. Just two months earlier, he kissed me outside TGIF at The Curve. It was a light peck on the lips. If I close my eyes now, I can still feel how time stopped at that moment.

Occasionally, I sit down and think of ways to move on. I'm hopeful because every single thing in this world is fleeting.